Confessions of a Faker

Most Saturday afternoons I can be found in one of my favorite wine shops in front of beautiful tables of sommelier-selected wines, swirling and sipping and ooohing and ahhing and occasionally turning up my nose. I’m a keen observer of how it’s done and I’ve learned to use descriptors like: spicy, earthy, notes of citrus, great finish, delicate yet complicated, and on and on. I nod in agreement with the thin men with neatly trimmed beards and sweater vests who stick their noses fully into the glasses and then talk knowingly about the region and the grape and the tradition of the grower.

I, however, am a liar and a fraud. I know virtually nothing about wine. I just like to drink it. Don’t talk to me about pairings. I drink wine without food most of the time and my tastebuds aren't… I mean my palate isn’t sophisticated enough to care about whether or not the Zinfandel compliments the filet mignon. (Who am I kidding? I never have filet mignon.)

I drink wine almost every night. A glass or two. Maybe three on a weekend. My budget doesn’t really allow for this, but as I’ve said before, I’d probably go without heat before I go without my evening glass of wine. I can’t afford $35 bottles of wine. Ever. I know what I’m missing, however, because I get to taste $35 bottles (and higher sometimes) at the tables on Saturdays.

Life is about compromise. I know what I like and what I don’t. I have yet to find anything under $6 that I think doesn’t taste like Nyquil. There are several wines in the $9-10 range that are perfectly drinkable everyday wines. I’m not going to pay a lot of attention to them when I’m drinking them, but they’re not going to make me scrunch my face up every time I take a sip. When I know I’m going to sit down with someone I love and really enjoy the wine, I might spend $15 or so on an Oregon Pinot Noir - and I really enjoy it.

When my novel sells a few hundred thousand copies (Stop laughing. It could happen.) I’ll splurge on $20 bottles of wine. I still won’t know anything about wine, but I'll still be faking like I do.