What I Know and What I Don't: Marriage and Asperger's Syndrome

I don’t know everything. In fact, the older I get, the more I wonder if I know anything at all. The strange thing is that the older I get the more people expect me to know something. They expect some measure of wisdom from me. All I can do is tell them what my experiences have led me to believe and encourage them to draw their own conclusions.

Over the last year or so, I’ve had conversations with many women who are married to men with Asperger’s Syndrome. Most of us have nearly identical stories. We feel shut out, disconnected, unimportant, frustrated, and exhausted. Most of us found the intelligence of our husbands to be attractive initially. After some time, we realized that the capacity for intelligence in our husbands was high, but the range of interests was narrow. We found it increasingly difficult to communicate and connect with our husbands.

The similarities in our marriages were striking. The differences in how we chose to handle the challenges were vastly different. I chose to end my marriage. This was not an easy decision; it was fraught with guilt. Guilt over leaving someone with a disability, guilt over tearing apart my children’s home, guilt over my own inability to cope with the challenges in my marriage, and guilt over falling in love with someone other than my husband.

Now that I’ve had time to step back and look objectively (or at least more objectively) I’ve shaken off the guilt. I now know that the most important reason for a human being to live is connection with another human being: intense emotional, spiritual, intellectual connection.  I need that. I want that. I deserve that - and so does my ex-husband. I don’t know if he’s capable of it, but I know that if he is, it’s not with me.

I had a conversation with a friend tonight who told me that he was dating someone he was starting to like, that they had nice conversations, and they had fun together. His concern was that he couldn’t see their connection being any deeper than it already was and it left him unsatisfied. “But she’s really nice,” he said, “and great with the kids.”

“It’s not enough,” I told him. “You know that. In your heart you know that. Do you want to live the rest of your life with ‘nice?’ No. You’re worth more. She deserves more. You both do. You have to keep looking until you find it, because it’s out there. I do believe it’s out there.”

I just wish the timing in my case had been better.  However, I might not have known what I had if I hadn’t gone through everything that happened. I don’t know. There’s a lot I don’t know…   but I know love when I feel it.

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